Looking Towards 2012…

During this holiday break, I have had a chance to re-examine my blog and while I have been very honest with my feelings and thoughts…I have also spent a great deal of time being negative and dwelling on the past.

One of my goals for 2012 is to be more positive and have a more optimistic outlook on life.  I know I cannot run from my past…but I can learn from it and change my destructive ways, nasty habits and patterns.

I have many goals, hopes and dreams for 2012.  I really need to focus on myself (mind, body and soul), get organized and financially fit.

I’m sure I have yet to say it…but 2011 was a great year for me…I learned a lot about myself and the people around me.  And I looking forward to continuing that growth process in 2012…

Coming into My Own…

So…I recently had a birthday and am no longer almost 30…I am 30!  And I have to say, that I am not unhappy either.  Don’t get me wrong, I still have my moments from time to time; however for the most part, I’m relatively happy these days.  And it sort of happened overnight.  I woke up one day and realized I needed to make a few changes in my life.   I’m trying to be a little more social and proactive…eating right and exercising more…and doing my best to be more present.  And by no means has this been easy…it has taken me YEARS to get to this point.

I know that I have a long road ahead of me…however I’m optimistic about it and looking forward to the future…

OMG…I’m back on Facebook…here we go…

So, this week I did something that I swore I would never do again…I joined Facebook!  Now let me preface this by saying, I have been on Facebook before and had several negative experiences and just decided it was not for me.  Now that I am back on it, and I have quickly realized why I really do not like this social network site.  Trolling the different pages makes me very nostalgic and reminiscent of relationships and friendships lost.

This time around, I have decided to keep it very simple and become friends with people who are truly my friends and hold a level of importance in my life.  The last time I was on Facebook, I succumb to the notion of friending (and accepting friend invitations) from individuals who were more like acquaintances than friends.  These actions lead to so much drama and a level of discomfort for me.  I understand that networking is a part of life and specifically a professional life, but at a certain point, something’s gotta give!

I have to be honest, I love and hate that I have the ability to visit friends of friends’ pages; that is just a horrible feature and I see how it can get people in trouble!  Being able to see pages of people from my past has been really hard on my psyche.  I have come to the realization that I am not a really easy person to get along with and thus have a number of people who I have had falling outs with or no longer speak to.  However, it is really hard for my to see these individuals pages’ months and years later and comprehend how some of my really good friends can still be associated with them on Facebook, but I digress…

One of the reason I started blogging was to really take a deep (and realistic) view into my life and my relationships (and friendship) issues.  Meeting people and becoming friends with them is easy; however I have a hard time keeping and maintaining friendships overtime.  And I really want to understand why???  Not to be naïve, I know I am a very straightforward person (and sometimes very blunt and assertive)…I don’t like BS, hypocrisy and individuals who are not real (and phony).  For some reason, a lot of the people I seem to have come in contact with in the last ten years have fallen into one of these categories.  However, from their pages, I am the only one who seems to see (or experience) their fakeness and bad behavior.

While I know I am not perfect…I know that I bend over backwards (and go above and beyond) for my friends and family.  My mother told me that I have really high expectations of people and when they do not meet them, I become upset and toss them away and that is not a realistic way to behave.  I’m just at a loss when it comes to extending my friend base…and uncertain how to change things…I’m hoping being on Facebook will help me reconnect with a few people I’ve lost contact with over the years…only time will tell!

Whoa…didn’t see that one coming…

So….in the past two weeks, I have gone from being single, successful and mildly unhappy woman to coupled, successful and really happy (with mood swings every now and then) woman.  The older man (he’s about 20 years old than me) and I made it official this past weekend; we are a couple!  And I have to say I have mixed feelings about the whole thing.  Part of me is really excited and ready for a great relationship, but the other part of me is really scared and wants to run the other way.

He’s amazingly smart, kind and gentle, however his age, personal baggage and lack of a car are areas of concern for me…but no one is perfect so I’m going to try to let myself enjoy this process and not over analyze everything. I’m also going to try and block out other people’s opinions (at least until I figure out how I feel about everything) because…

“Opinions are like assholes. Everybody’s got one and everyone thinks everyone else’s stinks“.

I was hanging out with one of my good friends last night and opening up to her about my new relationship (we’ve been dating for about three months now) and she was all kinds of negative.  She basically told me to run the other way, because she had a negative experience with an older man ten years ago (she’s about 10 years older than me).  Instead of being happy for me, she just kind of came in swinging.  As I drove home, I began to regret talking to her about this relationship…

I’m not a dumb girl living in la la land, my eyes are wide open…I’m going into this relationship with my concerns and he is FULLY aware of all my concerns.  He knows if my needs are not met and my concerns addressed then we will go back to go back to being just friends are nothing at all.  But I have to say, it’s really nice to have someone to talk to, go out with, and miss.  I haven’t missed anyone in a very long time.  Like when I’m not around him, I miss him, like I really miss him…and that’s when I knew I was really starting to feel something for him…

I think I’m going to stop telling people his age and just focus on him as a person.  I just don’t want to get into the whole May/December conversation anymore.  But on a brighter note, I have been going to mass more frequently and talking with God more.  I actually registered at a new parish and I look forward to attending their planned events.  I truly believe if this is going to turn into something special or long-lasting; it really needs to be blessed by God…

Apparently, I am walking into the dark…

I have blogged about this before; however I really felt the need to revisit this post.  Recently, I have found myself not interested in going to mass or praying and it really scares me; because God has been such an important part of my life.  My brother and BFF have both recommitted themselves to living a more Christian lifestyle and to be honest, I want to follow suit, but I need help!  So, I’m reposting this previous post in hopes that it will rejuvenate my spirit…

I woke up this morning with the best of intentions to attend services.  I set my favorite Sunday morning shows to be DVR’d so I wouldn’t miss anything.  But that still didn’t work.

The devil got me again….actual my lack of desire got me again.  Where has my faith gone?  I used to attend services every Sunday, but now…not so much.  I think my unhappiness (men confusion, busy work and school schedule and life) has clouded my perception of the importance of Sunday services.

Funny thing is I always feel better at the conclusion of services.  Somehow, he has a way of lifting my spirits and giving me hope…but then bullshit life happens and I’m right back where I started, unhappy, unmotivated and confused.

Again, where has my faith gone and when will it come back?  I really miss it….