Forgive and Let Go…

“The very person you find it hardest to forgive is the one you need to let go of the most. Forgiveness means letting go. It has nothing to do with condoning behavior, it’s just letting the whole thing go. We do not have to know how to forgive. All we need to do is be willing to forgive. The Universe will take care of the hows.” -Louise L. Hay

No More Text Messages…

So….I have decided that I am no longer going to entertain a certain gentleman’s text messages.  I am over it…tired, bored and in need of something real.

Epiphany….

So……I have had an interesting week, to say the least, but I wanted to share an epiphany I unearthed.  I was talking to one of my girlfriends and she asked me how my ex-boyfriend was doing.  I paused and thought about it as I had not seen him since the Holiday Season.  I sort of stuttered “He’s doing okay, at least the last time I saw him, he looked good.”  Our conversation continued, but for some strange reason, I could not help but feel guilty about not really knowing how he was doing.

To remedy that strange feeling, I gave my ex a call.  He answered and we exchanged pleasantries for a couple of minutes.  Then the interrogation began.  He asked me about work, school and my love life; the latter caught me off guard.  To be honest, I really have been focusing on myself, work and school…so I told him as much.  Apparently, he had just gotten out of a long distance relationship.  REALLY!?!?  Funny thing, I did not really care.  Good for him!  However, when he mentioned he had traveled, out-of-state, twice to see her in a six month period, I felt a little disrespected.

You see, I was with my ex for a little over a year and he was anti-taking public transportation to come see me.  So, I always had to go to him.  Yup, that’s right…he had no car as he was a broke, grad student…I guess I was going through a phase…but I digress.  Somehow, this new girl was able to get him to not only leave the state, but he got on a plane and paid for it…not once, but twice!!  I was impressed and again, I told him as much.

Hence, my epiphany…basically, you cannot make someone do something they do not want to do.  Ergo…all the begging, pleading and asking will not change anything, if the other person is not invested and/or care.  I know this is common sense..but DAMN…it took me talking to my Ex about his last relationship for me to realize this.  Shaking My Head (SMH)…what a shame!  However, this epiphany is so timely, as I am trying to figure out what to do with the guy that has me Chasing Pavements.

But wait…I heard this Bonnie Raitt song at the dentist’s office this morning and it solidified my epiphany!  Sigh…

Chasing Pavements…

I woke up this morning with the goal to be as productive as possible!  So, far, I’m doing okay.  With only a few interruptions via my DVR, Gmail, and my blog, I think I’m well on my way.

Except, I can’t stop thinking about HIM.  After not seeing HIM (in-person) in over five years, we decided it was time for a reunion.  I am not going to lie, it was really NICE seeing him and being around him.  I realized that I have really missed him.  However, looking back on everything…I should have just kept my distance as our little encounter has left me really a little unnerved.  Meeting up with him unearthed feelings I thought were long gone.  I have gone from being a happy, confident and secure woman to a sad, desperate, pathetic girl waiting from him to call or text.  Lord, I swore I would never be that girl/woman again!  As it is just not a good look….not a good look at all.

Of course, he has not called or texted…not that I really expected him to.  SIGH…I feel like such a fool for falling for his crap again.  Damn…I am so much smarter than this and should KNOW better!  I know now that we cannot be friends and we cannot be lovers and/or partners either.  This time, I really have to sever all contact and ties with him, because it is not healthy for me.

Each time before, we won’t talk or be in contact with each other for a couple of months or so, but then inevitably, someone will send a text or an email and we pick up where we stopped.  I tell you, it’s such a vicious cycle!  I feel like I’m chasing pavements…

Yikes…I just had a scary epiphany.  I haven’t had the best luck with men, because secretly, I think, I’ve been pining for him and sabotaging all my other relationships. I have to make some serious changes soon…

Well, until my next thought…please be well!

Relationships are a lot of hard work…

I have to say, relationships are a lot of work.  I don’t think I have ever had to work on something so hard everyday, and I’m a working grad student.  While this past year has been amazing, challenging, and insightful…I don’t know if I will ever be cut out for something more long-term, like marriage and/or children.  I realized this week, that I need a man, who is resilient, intelligent, and a provider…but he also needs to be strong enough to deal with me on a daily basis.  Basically, I need a Stedman (as in Oprah’s longtime boyfriend)…