Coming into My Own…

So…I recently had a birthday and am no longer almost 30…I am 30!  And I have to say, that I am not unhappy either.  Don’t get me wrong, I still have my moments from time to time; however for the most part, I’m relatively happy these days.  And it sort of happened overnight.  I woke up one day and realized I needed to make a few changes in my life.   I’m trying to be a little more social and proactive…eating right and exercising more…and doing my best to be more present.  And by no means has this been easy…it has taken me YEARS to get to this point.

I know that I have a long road ahead of me…however I’m optimistic about it and looking forward to the future…

Apparently, I am walking into the dark…

I have blogged about this before; however I really felt the need to revisit this post.  Recently, I have found myself not interested in going to mass or praying and it really scares me; because God has been such an important part of my life.  My brother and BFF have both recommitted themselves to living a more Christian lifestyle and to be honest, I want to follow suit, but I need help!  So, I’m reposting this previous post in hopes that it will rejuvenate my spirit…

I woke up this morning with the best of intentions to attend services.  I set my favorite Sunday morning shows to be DVR’d so I wouldn’t miss anything.  But that still didn’t work.

The devil got me again….actual my lack of desire got me again.  Where has my faith gone?  I used to attend services every Sunday, but now…not so much.  I think my unhappiness (men confusion, busy work and school schedule and life) has clouded my perception of the importance of Sunday services.

Funny thing is I always feel better at the conclusion of services.  Somehow, he has a way of lifting my spirits and giving me hope…but then bullshit life happens and I’m right back where I started, unhappy, unmotivated and confused.

Again, where has my faith gone and when will it come back?  I really miss it….

It only takes one…

It took a phone call from one of my oldest and dearest friends for me to realize I have one of those categories I mentioned in yesterday’s blog covered!

I always enjoy talking to her and it was great to hear that life is going so well for her too!  On the flip side our conversation made me realize how much I really miss her…her friendship…her energy…and just overall being.

Sigh!  I need to get it together and do a better job of staying in touch with the people who really matter to me…

My ode to blogging…

Blogging has really helped me mellow out.  I used to be one angry and unhappy person…don’t get me wrong…I still have my moments (hence the title of my blog)…but I’m much better now.  Having a secure and nonjudgmental place to go and share my thoughts and opinions has been a lifesaver for me.

Blogging is my new facebook…the only difference is I absolutely love blogging and I loathed facebook!

As a woman, who grew up very shy and sheltered…I often longed for the ability to be as free and as open as everyone else around me.  Before I started blogging, I was so skeptical of the people who opened up their lives, their feelings and their identities to perfect strangers for dissection and commentary…but through the last five months, I’ve come to know different.

It’s only now, that I’ve realized I have the strength and courage to be as bold and daring as the next person.  If you’ve noticed I have never talked about or discussed any sexual encounters or sex in general.  Why is that?  What is preventing me from sharing my deep, innermost fantasies…NOTHING, really!

So, I’ve decided in 2010, I’m going to strip down even more and talk about EVERYTHING that has to do with me…I hope I am up for the challenge…uh oh…there goes that self-doubt again…

I really need to learn how to trust my feelings and be secure in the decisions I make (and be more assertive and not passive-aggressive).  That’s another resolution to add-on to the list.  2010 is going to be one busy year…

Was it just a break?

Just when I wasn’t missing him as much…and having dreams (good dreams) involving other men…he starts to email me again.  Nothing serious, just the same old bullshit, so I deleted and did not respond.

Like three weeks ago, I left him a voicemail telling him that I wanted OUT and no longer wanted to be in contact with him.  He didn’t call me back, no email, no text, no anything!

A couple of weeks go by and I thought, WOW, I’m finally free of him…that was until yesterday!

Here’s hoping it was just a fluke and he’s already deleted me from his list of contacts!

But, honestly,  I still have a little glimmer of hope for us…I’m such a sucker…