Good Advice…

Just wanted to share…and this is something I really need to start practicing…because I really just shut down and/or shut people out…

“Have you ever been so angry with someone that you shut down on them? When you become so angry with a person that you want to shut them out of your life, you need to know that there is something going on with you that has nothing to do with them. At this level anger is a response to your own judgements; the failed satisfaction of your own expectations; your failed attempts to gain control or, your subconscious response to fear. If you want to establish and maintain peaceful relationships with other people, surrender all judgments of who they are and who they are not.” -Iyanla Vanzant

What’s wrong with me?

Honestly, I don’t know.  I do know that I am not happy with certain aspects of my life right now and changes need to be made.  To give you a brief run down.  My boyfriend and I got back together, a couple of days after our split.  We had several talks and made a vow to improve our communication and commitment to one another; and place more of an emphasis on being together.  I have to say, I do love him…I can’t believe I just typed that…but it’s true, I love him…I do not know where this relationship will take me, but I’m willing to see where it goes…at least for now…

Family – I can honestly say that I am over my family…it has been a long time coming, but I have finally reached my breaking point.  I love my mom to pieces, but the rest of my family…I could really do with out.  I know I have said it before, but I am going to take a break from communicating and interacting with them for a while.

Friends – I have mixed feelings about a few of them at the moment.  It’s like a continuous cycle with some people.  I think I’m ready to cut ties with a couple of friends I have had for a long time, but it is so hard.  How do you tell someone who you’ve loved and depended on for many years that you no longer want to be involved (or just don’t think we have that many things in common anymore)?  I have had a couple of experiences this summer with a few friends, that haven’t been pleasant or as pleasant as they should have been and I’ve been left wondering, why am I dealing with this?  Seriously, at my age, I shouldn’t have to deal with rude, obnoxious and inconsiderate people, right?

School – My grad advisor is getting on my last nerves.  She completely blindsided me this week with her words and actions and now I am left pondering if this is someone I want to continue working with as I complete my dissertation work.  I don’t trust her and I do not think she has my best interest at heart.  In fact, she has not afforded me the same opportunities she’s given her other students (even though I have asked for them), which is frustrating at best.  I’m at a crossroads at the moment; do I go with my gut and drop my advisor or do I weather the storm and continue working with her?

Work – Funny thing, work has actually been fabulous.  I have really been getting along with everyone and enjoying my environment more…who knew?

Health – I’m going to keep this section short…basically I need to lose weight!  I’m happy my boyfriend loves me the way I am, but I don’t love the weight I am right now…so something’s gotta give!

With all that said, I believe in change and new beginnings; however I need to make a plan and stick to it.  I don’t mean to sound like a sour puss as I have a lot to be really thankful for…but things can be better.  Hell, things need to get better…here’s to making a plan and sticking to it…

Whoa…didn’t see that one coming…

So….in the past two weeks, I have gone from being single, successful and mildly unhappy woman to coupled, successful and really happy (with mood swings every now and then) woman.  The older man (he’s about 20 years old than me) and I made it official this past weekend; we are a couple!  And I have to say I have mixed feelings about the whole thing.  Part of me is really excited and ready for a great relationship, but the other part of me is really scared and wants to run the other way.

He’s amazingly smart, kind and gentle, however his age, personal baggage and lack of a car are areas of concern for me…but no one is perfect so I’m going to try to let myself enjoy this process and not over analyze everything. I’m also going to try and block out other people’s opinions (at least until I figure out how I feel about everything) because…

“Opinions are like assholes. Everybody’s got one and everyone thinks everyone else’s stinks“.

I was hanging out with one of my good friends last night and opening up to her about my new relationship (we’ve been dating for about three months now) and she was all kinds of negative.  She basically told me to run the other way, because she had a negative experience with an older man ten years ago (she’s about 10 years older than me).  Instead of being happy for me, she just kind of came in swinging.  As I drove home, I began to regret talking to her about this relationship…

I’m not a dumb girl living in la la land, my eyes are wide open…I’m going into this relationship with my concerns and he is FULLY aware of all my concerns.  He knows if my needs are not met and my concerns addressed then we will go back to go back to being just friends are nothing at all.  But I have to say, it’s really nice to have someone to talk to, go out with, and miss.  I haven’t missed anyone in a very long time.  Like when I’m not around him, I miss him, like I really miss him…and that’s when I knew I was really starting to feel something for him…

I think I’m going to stop telling people his age and just focus on him as a person.  I just don’t want to get into the whole May/December conversation anymore.  But on a brighter note, I have been going to mass more frequently and talking with God more.  I actually registered at a new parish and I look forward to attending their planned events.  I truly believe if this is going to turn into something special or long-lasting; it really needs to be blessed by God…

Home Sweet Home…

This has been a pretty difficult week.  I have to say, I’ve never felt so alone, tired, stressed and unhappy.  The one bright spot this week was my family.  I’m so lucky to have the family that I have.  After I am done with graduate school, I am definitely moving back home.  Not to my mother’s house…but to the area where I was raised, went to college and found my way.  My family is there…my best friends are there…I was the happiest and at my best there.

Social support is clearly underrated…

Here I am all alone.  I really do not have many friends…correction…quality friends here.  Most people I would consider just acquaintances.  Someone told me this week, that I have too high of expectations for people.  Sad thing is…the only thing I expect from people is to treat me the way I have treated them.  If I have been a really good friend to you…I expect the same in return.  If I was there for you in your time of need…I expect the same in return.  If I flew cross-country for your wedding, spending a ton of money on a bridesmaid dress, hotel, shoes, hair and makeup…I expect you to be there for me.  If I send you a baby shower gift…I expect for you to call me and let me know you received it…let alone say thank you.  If you agree to be on a committee, council, or student government etc…I expect you to show up and not half-ass your job and then cite you do not have enough time to participate…then don’t sign up or resign your post and get the f*ck on!

I hate to be so negative…but I needed to vent…this week really sucked and I need a break from work and school.  However, as I watched the Hope for Haiti Now Telethon…I realized…my life could always be worse!!

So, I’m going to take this weekend to regroup and figure out a realistic plan for the next few months…

Rain, rain…go away…

I woke up early this morning to the pidder, padder of rain drops on my window.  In fact, it rained all weekend and yesterday.  The rain pretty much kept me indoors this past weekend, however I did have the opportunity to hangout with a really great friend who just had a baby.  She’s a single mom (by choice) and one of my biggest mentors, role models and supporters.  And her child, is just as beautiful as I thought she would be.

In the past, I have wanted to be an adoptive parent to an infant son or daughter as I really have no desire to give birth to a child.  However, I realized (during my time with my friend and her newborn) that I really have no maternal desires at all, at least not right now.  I enjoyed playing with the child, feeding her, burping her, changing diapers and most of all holding her…but I was very relieved to hand the child back over to her mother.

For some reason, I thought maybe being around this beautiful newborn would make me want to have one of my own and sadly, it did not.  It’s official, my biological clock is broken…

Who knows…maybe when it is all said and done I’ll have two or three kids…maybe I should start with a dog…