New Name…New Me…

Yup, that is right!  My blog name has changed and I feel really good about that.  Over the past couple of months, I have come to realize that happiness is a constant state, one has to work at diligently to achieve.

And God knows, I have been putting in work these last couple of months.  Focusing on myself, my faith and my health has really helped me in turning the corner.  Also, it doesn’t hurt that I am getting more attention from the opposite sex these days (but that is for another post).

I don’t know…I just feel differently right now and for that I am grateful!

Apparently, I am walking into the dark…

I have blogged about this before; however I really felt the need to revisit this post.  Recently, I have found myself not interested in going to mass or praying and it really scares me; because God has been such an important part of my life.  My brother and BFF have both recommitted themselves to living a more Christian lifestyle and to be honest, I want to follow suit, but I need help!  So, I’m reposting this previous post in hopes that it will rejuvenate my spirit…

I woke up this morning with the best of intentions to attend services.  I set my favorite Sunday morning shows to be DVR’d so I wouldn’t miss anything.  But that still didn’t work.

The devil got me again….actual my lack of desire got me again.  Where has my faith gone?  I used to attend services every Sunday, but now…not so much.  I think my unhappiness (men confusion, busy work and school schedule and life) has clouded my perception of the importance of Sunday services.

Funny thing is I always feel better at the conclusion of services.  Somehow, he has a way of lifting my spirits and giving me hope…but then bullshit life happens and I’m right back where I started, unhappy, unmotivated and confused.

Again, where has my faith gone and when will it come back?  I really miss it….

To worship or not to worship…

I’m going to be a hypocrite for a moment, because I’m going to talk about a subject I typically keep private and totally loath when other people talk about it on their blogs…but here goes…

I totally need to find a new worshiping parish.  Yesterday, I found myself very disinterested and distracted during the homily and it sucked.  I have tried to get into this church, but nothing has worked.  I really want to improve my relationship with God, join a young adult group and bible study…but I don’t want to get over my head.  First, I just need to find a place that doesn’t bore me to tears.

Honestly, I feel weird about blogging about this topic, because I was taught that your faith and religion is something you practice in private and not necessarily talk about or wear on your sleeve for everyone to see; however I really feel that building a strong foundation in God will definitely help on my road to forgiveness and self-awareness…I just need to get out and start testing the waters…

I need help…

I am in total stalker mode right now!  This always happens to me; the minute I tell a man to leave me alone or that I want nothing more to do with him; I become obsessed!  I start reminiscing about all the good times and bad times.  I start regretting my decision to cut off contact…but this time I cannot look back.

I really needed to let this one go.  I was drowning in his sea of bullshit and I needed a life raft!  I found myself doing things that were uncharacteristic of me.  I’ve been treading water for the last three and a half years and now it’s time for me to make it back to shore.  I became a woman who I would look down upon and ask “what the hell was she thinking…he was clearly using her?”

My bruised, battered and aching heart doesn’t understand why my brain made this decision.  Deep down inside, I wanted him to want me.  I wanted him to love me.  I wanted him to say something or do something to show me that he cared.  But like every other man in my life…he’s left me with a broken heart…but not a broken spirit.

I’ll rebound…I always do.  I’m just going to need a little more time, a lot more cake and ice cream and a trainer when I get out of this funk and back in the gym.

On a brighter note…five pages down and only five and half more to go on my paper!  YAY me!!

Over it…

I have to be completely honest, at this moment and time, I am OVER people.  I’m over men…over fake friends…friends you bend over backwards for but then don’t hear from them in months or in your own time of need…over friends that only want to chat with you when they have a problem…over people who only communicate via email, text or via facebook…over lame co-workers, classmates and professors.

The only things I’m not over are God…my family…my real friends…life and true love.  Today, is the beginning of the rest of my life and I’m happy to leave the past in the past and look to my brighter future.

I’m tired of letting others’ opinions of me, dictate how I do things.  2010 is going to be my coming out year of some sorts…