Chasing Pavements…

I woke up this morning with the goal to be as productive as possible!  So, far, I’m doing okay.  With only a few interruptions via my DVR, Gmail, and my blog, I think I’m well on my way.

Except, I can’t stop thinking about HIM.  After not seeing HIM (in-person) in over five years, we decided it was time for a reunion.  I am not going to lie, it was really NICE seeing him and being around him.  I realized that I have really missed him.  However, looking back on everything…I should have just kept my distance as our little encounter has left me really a little unnerved.  Meeting up with him unearthed feelings I thought were long gone.  I have gone from being a happy, confident and secure woman to a sad, desperate, pathetic girl waiting from him to call or text.  Lord, I swore I would never be that girl/woman again!  As it is just not a good look….not a good look at all.

Of course, he has not called or texted…not that I really expected him to.  SIGH…I feel like such a fool for falling for his crap again.  Damn…I am so much smarter than this and should KNOW better!  I know now that we cannot be friends and we cannot be lovers and/or partners either.  This time, I really have to sever all contact and ties with him, because it is not healthy for me.

Each time before, we won’t talk or be in contact with each other for a couple of months or so, but then inevitably, someone will send a text or an email and we pick up where we stopped.  I tell you, it’s such a vicious cycle!  I feel like I’m chasing pavements…

Yikes…I just had a scary epiphany.  I haven’t had the best luck with men, because secretly, I think, I’ve been pining for him and sabotaging all my other relationships. I have to make some serious changes soon…

Well, until my next thought…please be well!

Single and not ready to mingle…

So, it finally hit me this week, that I am a single woman; however I have no desire to meet anyone new.  I’m still very much in mourning of a relationship I just recently found out was based on lies.  My ex dropped a couple of bombshells on me this past week, that sort of left me numb and completely in disbelief.  It’s so hard to go from spending time with someone and talking to them everyday (multiple times a day) to nothing.  I just don’t know how men (and some women) do that.  Even during the messiest of breakups, I still long for the companionship that was once shared.

I wanted so badly to be loved and in a relationship, that I completely let my guard down.  I allowed myself to get swept away and started thinking about a future with someone I now know was not worthy and now I am at a complete loss.  I’ve dated young and old and one thing remains evident to me…I’m a poor judge of character and super tired of this thing we call dating.

Maybe I should just give up and let my mother and her friends fix me up?  Hmmmmmmmmmm, on second thought I’m going to forget I ever uttered those words and continue this quest on my own.  I have to pray the Lord will bring me someone he believes is right for me someday…because I am ready…total contradiction since I’m not ready to mingle and my heart is still brusied…but a girl can dream…

Random Emails – Update…

So, I asked the “ex” to stop emailing me.  I sent him a much nicer and less aggressive email, than I had sent in October of last year.

To my surprise, he responded by asking me how I had been doing and stating he had been thinking about me.  Now, I should have deleted his email, right then and there, but I didn’t.  Instead, I responded to him and we have communicated via email ever since.

Sigh, I had worked so hard to remove him from my life and now he’s back in the mix.  And I know, I have no one else to blame but myself.  Now look at me, I’m sitting here waiting for him to respond to the last email I sent him…Sigh!

Protected: And then there were none…

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Was it just a break?

Just when I wasn’t missing him as much…and having dreams (good dreams) involving other men…he starts to email me again.  Nothing serious, just the same old bullshit, so I deleted and did not respond.

Like three weeks ago, I left him a voicemail telling him that I wanted OUT and no longer wanted to be in contact with him.  He didn’t call me back, no email, no text, no anything!

A couple of weeks go by and I thought, WOW, I’m finally free of him…that was until yesterday!

Here’s hoping it was just a fluke and he’s already deleted me from his list of contacts!

But, honestly,  I still have a little glimmer of hope for us…I’m such a sucker…