In a yucky kind of mood right now…but this song always makes me feel better…
Chasing Pavements…
I woke up this morning with the goal to be as productive as possible! So, far, I’m doing okay. With only a few interruptions via my DVR, Gmail, and my blog, I think I’m well on my way.
Except, I can’t stop thinking about HIM. After not seeing HIM (in-person) in over five years, we decided it was time for a reunion. I am not going to lie, it was really NICE seeing him and being around him. I realized that I have really missed him. However, looking back on everything…I should have just kept my distance as our little encounter has left me really a little unnerved. Meeting up with him unearthed feelings I thought were long gone. I have gone from being a happy, confident and secure woman to a sad, desperate, pathetic girl waiting from him to call or text. Lord, I swore I would never be that girl/woman again! As it is just not a good look….not a good look at all.
Of course, he has not called or texted…not that I really expected him to. SIGH…I feel like such a fool for falling for his crap again. Damn…I am so much smarter than this and should KNOW better! I know now that we cannot be friends and we cannot be lovers and/or partners either. This time, I really have to sever all contact and ties with him, because it is not healthy for me.
Each time before, we won’t talk or be in contact with each other for a couple of months or so, but then inevitably, someone will send a text or an email and we pick up where we stopped. I tell you, it’s such a vicious cycle! I feel like I’m chasing pavements…
Yikes…I just had a scary epiphany. I haven’t had the best luck with men, because secretly, I think, I’ve been pining for him and sabotaging all my other relationships. I have to make some serious changes soon…
Well, until my next thought…please be well!
A year later…we are finally done…
My boyfriend and I would have celebrated our one year anniversary last Sunday; however I made a huge mistake! Instead of thinking about US…I was only thinking about MYSELF and now we are no more. That’s right, with one small swoop, I completely demolished a relationship we had been working on for a year.
Sigh…I’m still very much in mourning of our relationship. I never thought I would be one of those women in the bathroom at work, crying in a stall…but that was me on Wednesday. I find myself crying and being sad at the most random times…picture Diane Keaton’s character in Something’s Gotta Give. I’ve been a total mess this entire week.
It’s so hard to go from spending time with someone and talking to them everyday (multiple times a day) to nothing. I just don’t know how men (and some women) do that. Even during the messiest of breakups, I still long for the companionship that was once shared.
I wanted so badly to be loved and in a relationship, that I completely let my guard down. For the first time, I had something I had never experienced before…I was in love with a man who loved me just as much if not more than I loved him. However, I realized that love was just not enough. In the end, I think our age difference, values and lifestyles did us in. When it was good…our relationship was really great…but when it was bad…our relationship was horrible.
With that said…I love (and miss) him a great deal and will probably always love him.
However, sometimes love just isn’t enough…
Emotions…
Right now I currently feel:
Hurt…tired…confused…upset…angry…relieved…alone…ready…overworked…used…optimistic…lucky…sad…stressed and emotional. I’m hoping this too shall past. I hate breakups and the aftermath…funny thing…I wasn’t even that into him (and clearly he wasn’t that into me)…so why am I so hurt?
I think I’m going to go on a dating sabbatical for now…I just do not have the energy, time or emotional reserve capacity to even be bothered at the moment…
