Epiphany….

So……I have had an interesting week, to say the least, but I wanted to share an epiphany I unearthed.  I was talking to one of my girlfriends and she asked me how my ex-boyfriend was doing.  I paused and thought about it as I had not seen him since the Holiday Season.  I sort of stuttered “He’s doing okay, at least the last time I saw him, he looked good.”  Our conversation continued, but for some strange reason, I could not help but feel guilty about not really knowing how he was doing.

To remedy that strange feeling, I gave my ex a call.  He answered and we exchanged pleasantries for a couple of minutes.  Then the interrogation began.  He asked me about work, school and my love life; the latter caught me off guard.  To be honest, I really have been focusing on myself, work and school…so I told him as much.  Apparently, he had just gotten out of a long distance relationship.  REALLY!?!?  Funny thing, I did not really care.  Good for him!  However, when he mentioned he had traveled, out-of-state, twice to see her in a six month period, I felt a little disrespected.

You see, I was with my ex for a little over a year and he was anti-taking public transportation to come see me.  So, I always had to go to him.  Yup, that’s right…he had no car as he was a broke, grad student…I guess I was going through a phase…but I digress.  Somehow, this new girl was able to get him to not only leave the state, but he got on a plane and paid for it…not once, but twice!!  I was impressed and again, I told him as much.

Hence, my epiphany…basically, you cannot make someone do something they do not want to do.  Ergo…all the begging, pleading and asking will not change anything, if the other person is not invested and/or care.  I know this is common sense..but DAMN…it took me talking to my Ex about his last relationship for me to realize this.  Shaking My Head (SMH)…what a shame!  However, this epiphany is so timely, as I am trying to figure out what to do with the guy that has me Chasing Pavements.

But wait…I heard this Bonnie Raitt song at the dentist’s office this morning and it solidified my epiphany!  Sigh…

New Boy Alert…

Actually, I should have titled this post…New Crush Alert!  Yes, I have a new crush.  He’s tall, dark and handsome…just how I like them.  He’s funny and smart; however he sees me at my worst.  At the gym, crack of dawn, with no make-up on, my hair pulled back in a ponytail and raggedy sweats.  Sigh, while I do not want to be one of those women who wears make-up, earrings and little clothing to the gym…I do need to step my game up!

On an uber positive note, I have lost almost 20lbs since I started working with my trainer!  I have not really noticed a difference in my appearance yet; however my co-workers have and their comments are motivating me to continue on.  Here’s to the next 20lbs!!

OMG…I’m back on Facebook…here we go…

So, this week I did something that I swore I would never do again…I joined Facebook!  Now let me preface this by saying, I have been on Facebook before and had several negative experiences and just decided it was not for me.  Now that I am back on it, and I have quickly realized why I really do not like this social network site.  Trolling the different pages makes me very nostalgic and reminiscent of relationships and friendships lost.

This time around, I have decided to keep it very simple and become friends with people who are truly my friends and hold a level of importance in my life.  The last time I was on Facebook, I succumb to the notion of friending (and accepting friend invitations) from individuals who were more like acquaintances than friends.  These actions lead to so much drama and a level of discomfort for me.  I understand that networking is a part of life and specifically a professional life, but at a certain point, something’s gotta give!

I have to be honest, I love and hate that I have the ability to visit friends of friends’ pages; that is just a horrible feature and I see how it can get people in trouble!  Being able to see pages of people from my past has been really hard on my psyche.  I have come to the realization that I am not a really easy person to get along with and thus have a number of people who I have had falling outs with or no longer speak to.  However, it is really hard for my to see these individuals pages’ months and years later and comprehend how some of my really good friends can still be associated with them on Facebook, but I digress…

One of the reason I started blogging was to really take a deep (and realistic) view into my life and my relationships (and friendship) issues.  Meeting people and becoming friends with them is easy; however I have a hard time keeping and maintaining friendships overtime.  And I really want to understand why???  Not to be naïve, I know I am a very straightforward person (and sometimes very blunt and assertive)…I don’t like BS, hypocrisy and individuals who are not real (and phony).  For some reason, a lot of the people I seem to have come in contact with in the last ten years have fallen into one of these categories.  However, from their pages, I am the only one who seems to see (or experience) their fakeness and bad behavior.

While I know I am not perfect…I know that I bend over backwards (and go above and beyond) for my friends and family.  My mother told me that I have really high expectations of people and when they do not meet them, I become upset and toss them away and that is not a realistic way to behave.  I’m just at a loss when it comes to extending my friend base…and uncertain how to change things…I’m hoping being on Facebook will help me reconnect with a few people I’ve lost contact with over the years…only time will tell!

Where do I start?!?

First let me apologize for my long absence.  The last month has been very hectic, exciting, trying and exhausting.  At the moment, I felt like I really needed to write on my blog, even though I’m at school and should really be working on a paper that is due tomorrow…

So, let me backup and start from where I left off…so the “ex” and I are still communicating.  Don’t ask me why, because honestly, I don’t have an answer for you.  For some reason, he has done everything in his power to keep the lines of communication between the two of us open.  I take that back, he’s done everything in his power via email, to keep the lines of communication between the two of us open.  Funny thing is, I really don’t care anymore.  I told him repeatedly to stop emailing and texting and he’d stop for a short period of time and then continued, like nothing had happened.  Last November, I’d finally had enough and ceased all communication with him, that lasted like a month and a half and then I began receiving random forwards from him again.  At first, I ignored his emails, blocked his email address, sent his emails to spam, but the emails kept coming.  Again, I asked him to stop!  However, for some reason now he wants to be my friend…he wants updates on my life…wants to go out to dinner and catch up!  Whoa…hold on there, why now?  Why do you care all of a sudden?  Answer, really, he had no answer, but this is what I hypothesized…he lost his job a while back and has a lot of time on his hands…and what are idle hands supposed do?  I hate to kick a man while he’s down, although he seems to have taken his new unemployment status very well.  Needless to say, I have resigned myself to not stress out about him.  I’m not thinking about us getting back together, because honestly, he’s not good enough for me and we are in two different places right now.  He’s not a leader, cannot provide for or protect me (I’ll come back to these three things in another blog later).  He’s just not the man who I want and need.  However, if the idea of us being friends gives him peace at night, who am I to take that away from him; even though I know the truth…we are not friends now or will ever be again…

Sigh…yet another man from my past has re-entered my life.  This time it’s all my fault.  I caught myself trying to do a nice deed for one of my co-workers and now I’m regretting even contacting him.  I know I’ve mentioned him before, he’s the “Perfect Guy” in my And then there were none blog.  Basically, we’ve been on and off friends throughout the years and most recently, he just stopped talking to me out of the blue for no reason two years ago.  I was shocked and caught off guard, seeing that I had just helped him through a pretty bad breakup and listened to his endless stories at random hours of the night, but whatever.  One of my co-workers needed help and I knew he was the man who could help.  So, I had one of my friends send him my contact info, because I no longer had his current information.  It took him about a week, but he did email me and to no one’s fault but my own; we picked up right back where we left off.  However, this time, I let him know, just how much of a jerk he had been the last time we were in contact with one another.  Long story short, we started emailing each other over 10-20 times a day…nothing serious…just back and forth banter…until yesterday.  Basically, he thought we were cooler than we really were.  He and I are not friends, we don’t talk on a regular basis, we don’t hang out, however, I know that…he apparently did not!  He was living in some wonderland where he and I were friends and he knew all about me.  He made an assumption about me that was completely incorrect…however he made the mistake of saying it out loud…I quickly checked him and told him we should limit out email communication.  I doubt that I will hear from him again, because I think I hurt his feelings, but whatever, I’m tired of letting people say and do things to me that are wrong.  And in all honesty, again, he and I are not friends now or will ever be in the future…

Sigh…remember the older man I went out with a couple of weeks ago?  Well, he’s still in the picture.  He apologized for his inappropriateness and really wants to spend time with me; however, I am still unsure about him.  Talking to him is like talking to a philosophy professor; he’s so theoretical and intelligent.  It’s hard to have a normal conversation with him.  I’ve learned a great deal about his past life, his kids (oh yeah, did I mention he has two GROWN children) and current research interests, but I really don’t know anything about him and vice versa.  I think we are both playing it very tight (I don’t know about him but I am in no mood to get hurt again).  He’s been wanting to go out again or grab a cup of coffee and I’ve been putting him off with being busy with school or work.  I do enjoy his company; however I hate the fact that he doesn’t drive!  He’s not the first man I’ve dated who didn’t drive, but it kind of puts a damper on things.  I want to be picked up and dropped off, hell, I want to get a little tipsy at dinner too, but I can’t because, you guessed it…I’m driving.  All in all, I’ll probably keep him around, because unlike the other two, I really would like to be his friend, if nothing else.  And he’s making plans for us to do things in the upcoming months…I think he wants to be in a relationship with me…Oh My!  I haven’t been in one of those in a long time…but only time will tell…

Guess who just sent me a text message…the “Perfect Guy” and I thought I’d never hear from him again after yesterday…go figure!  MEN!

What a man…what a man… what a mighty good man!

So…instead of sleeping in today, I went to a research workshop.  The workshop itself was well attended and I learned a great deal about my methodology and my area of research.  I’m not going to lie, the workshop was a little longer than I would have liked…but I rolled with it.

During the workshop, I had an epiphany…there’s nothing sexier, than an educated man!  And an educated Black man, at that!! Get outta here!!

I was in total awe of one gentleman in particular.  He was articulate, funny, and very approachable.  I’d put him in his 30s, maybe late 30s (to early 40s) and he was tall, dark and handsome.  I really enjoyed talking to him and getting to know more about his research interests and background.

Shhhh…I kind of felt something that I haven’t felt in a long time.  I think I have a crush on him.  Hell, I know I have a crush on him.  After the workshop, I walked out with one of my girlfriends, but I went back to the classroom because I wanted to say goodbye to him…but he was nowhere to be found.  I turned around and walked out very disappointed but guess who walked up to me to say goodbye :O).

He gave me his card and told me I shouldn’t be a stranger and to email him, so he’d have my contact info.  I was so excited!!  Slightly bummed that he didn’t ask for my phone number outright…but I’ll take it.  Who knows…he might not have even been feeling me as much as I was feeling him…but at least I made a new friend, right…hopefully!

Again, only God knows!  I just know it felt good to flirt with someone, as I haven’t done that in a long time.  I really need to get out more and have a little more fun…